Mother Nature has missed my city with the deluge of white fluffy stuff that would put me in my ugly-Christmas-sweater-wearing-shopping-frenzy-spirit. For this reason, I am ridiculously behind in my Christmas tasks.
Therefore, on the eve of December 1st, I’ve decided to form a plan by making a list of things to accomplish over the next month. As a person who typically schedules too much, I hope I’ll be able to meet these objectives.
- I will gain 5 pounds between December 1st to the 24th by gobbling up every icing-loaded snowman sugar cookie, cranberry bliss bar, gingerbread loaf, fruit cake (rum-infused or not) that my eyes even so much as glimpse. Hunger is irrelevant. After all, Christmas only comes once a year. I need to get my festive snacks while I can!
- Between December 25th through to the 31st the real challenge begins: I will gain an additional 5 pounds in one week by following the same pattern already outlined in #1, but add in drinking too much, indulging in WAY TOO MUCH creamy, butter-loaded potatoes; turkey, and forfeiting all scheduled workouts. (The gym is too crowded this time of year anyways.)
- I will exceed my Christmas budget by December 2nd and promptly throw my hands up and declare, “oopsy-daisy!” and continue to shop in haphazard way while declaring that the January Credit Card Gods will never catch up with me!
- I WILL NOT CREATE A CHRISTMAS BUDGET. As a matter of fact, I believe that Microsoft Excel will not allow me to name a file “Christmas Budget.” For this reason, I will never find the file again and it will be a waste of time. (TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! There’s so much to do!)
- I will definitely wait till the very last minute to purchase all my presents. Nothing is more AMAZING then scrambling to the mall and circling the parking lot for 45 minutes in search of one spot. Then, once a parking spot is found, another person steals it! As well, a bonus to this is standing in long line-ups to make my purchase and as soon as I get to the cash my credit card gets declined. (Not because the January Credit Card Gods have already caught up with me. No, it’s because the system crashes because everyone else is making last minute purchases on December 24th as well. JOY!)
- I’ll wait to wrap all my presents on December 24th so that way I’ll be up till midnight. The next day I will be sleep-deprived and blurry-eyed when I face the task of stuffing the turkey. But don’t worry, with how little I slept the night before, one glass of wine will make everything alright.
- I’ll overcook the turkey.
- I’ll make sure none of the other food comes off at the same time. This will guarantee the potatoes are so cold I can make a fork stand up in them and whatever insignificant vegetables I cooked as a side dish, have already started to form a layer of butter grease from sitting in the bowl too long. Nothing is more delicious. Cold vegetables, with cold butter grease. YUMMY!
- Write a letter of apology to Saint Nick and tell him that I REALLY do love Christmas despite this blog post. Like everything else in my life, I’m just poorly organized.
- I’ll tell myself that next Christmas will be different.
BONUS TO DO ITEM
- Hope Santa forgives me when I forget to leave him cookies. Every year. I do it every year.